This is not a gratitude post

I feel so alone this morning. I can’t get either teen out of bed. I am worried that they will fail their year of school. I am worried that this is my fault because I can’t do any better.

Dance studio

Just a quick moment today. Molly decided to wear her pride flag to the dance studio yesterday and was feeling a little self conscious about it. When we went into Hanaa’s class, her teacher said “love the pride flag” and gave her a high five.

So, thanks Mr. Ty. You gave my kid a much needed boost today. And you showed the dance parents how it’s done.

shopping

This weekend's bright spot was a trip to the mall. Weird right? I hate the mall.

One source of tension this year has been Molly needing clothes but not wanting to shop, with me in particular, although she is not much of a shopper in general. We have had good luck with clothes trades in the past, but sometimes you just a few new things to fill out the wardrobe.

I had to drive Noah to the mall to meet his girlfriend (!?!!?), and the girls came along because we needed a present for an upcoming birthday party. I don't know why I'm explaining why we were at the mall, except perhaps to say that it is a rare occurrence and was a plan made at the last minute.

After we gave Noah a head start so he could enjoy his date without his mom and siblings following him and after buying the birthday present and some Starbucks, we went to Sephora to buy eyeliner for Molly to wear in her play this coming week. That was a lot of fun, trying different things. Hanaa drew a picture on her hand with lipstick and eye shadow.

Then we headed to Old Navy to get Molly some shorts. We looked through the girls' and women's sections with no luck. Everything was too short. We tried the men's department, and (predictably) everything was too big. On to the boys' department where we found the perfect shorts, hurray! I also hastily grabbed some sports bras for her to try at the same time. I didn't say too much about them, but clearly she needed some as she took them with her into the change room. We left the store with some much needed additions to Molly's wardrobe with a minimum of tension and strife.

If I had tried to make a plan with Molly to go clothes shopping, I don't think it would have turned out as well as it did. I love that Molly has her own sense of style, and I love that she doesn't let the gendered departments in clothing stores keep her from finding items that work for her.

Gratitude

So, things are kind of crappy right now. I was really looking forward to being on leave and doing some volunteer work and thinking about future career moves. Needless to say, this has not happened. I will not get into the specifics here to protect my family's privacy (such as it is).

We are looking for a therapist for one of the kids, and honestly have been hitting some pretty hard brick walls and dead ends. While the therapists haven't worked out, and the kid is not willing to take their advice, I am going to start taking some of the advice that was offered, because it makes sense to me if not to the kid.

One thing that was suggested was a gratitude journal. So, this blog is going to become that for a little while. I need to find those bright moments and record them, because there just seem to be so many dark moments right now. Make sense? Not trying to ignore the problems (though it is tempting), just trying to find a little joy to fuel the journey.

I will start with a moment from yesterday. Hanaa FINALLY had a good time at her tap class. She has been attending since September and has not come out of there happy once in all that time. We have had tears, frowns, and some disastrous attempts at bribery with skittles. I have begged her to quit. "This is not making you happy", I would say again and again, "maybe we should just give up" -- to no avail. She would show up every week, get through the warm up and some floor work with a smile, and then just lose her confidence and sparkle when they were working on trickier steps or the year-end piece.

Last week, I was a little relieved that there was no room in the "viewers gallery" and didn't watch the class. She seemed to do better. This week I thought I would repeat that, but Hanaa called me on it at their first water break, so I went back and sat in the gallery. They were practicing their dance for the recital, and Hanaa was all over it after months of shrugging through it with no enthusiasm or hiding in a corner. She was her sassy, confident self, complete with jazz hands.

At the end of the class, she looked at me and said, "and that's why I didn't quit". Amazing.