This is going to be difficult to write. I'm sure it will take awhile.
I am a selfish person a lot of the time. It is something that I work on, but the impulse to be generous does not come naturally to me. It is usually a conscious effort and feels forced and awkward. It is so easy to get caught up in one's own small life especially on those days when there is not enough silence to listen to inner voices. I love my kids, but there are days when I speak more harshly than I would like. I am ashamed of that. I need to learn that Noah's defiance is not about me; it is about him learning who he is. Knowing this, it is difficult to keep my calm.
So much of the day is taken up in immediate concerns . . .feeding, diapering, keeping Noah busy if not happy. Any moments left for thought are consumed by worries about money, going back to work, finding daycare, etc. And those aren't really thoughts, they're noise too.
I think I spend a good deal too much time feeling sorry for myself when I can't have the things I want like a chance to sleep in every now and then. And, if I'm lucky, it is at this point when I think of those who are not as lucky as I am. One particular example comes to mind:
STEWART _ Danara Snow (nee Healy) Sunshine had broken through the clouds, The air waswarm and smelling sweetly, One brave rose in Danara's garden had come to full bloom Verypeacefully, On Mothers Day, May 9th, 2004 in the loving arms of her family, Danara drewher last breath. She is survived by her loving husband Brad; wonderful daughter Hope;mother Marlene Tamaki (David); father Kearney Healy (Lori); brother Daylan (Alana);sisters, Ria and Dani; grandmother Mabel Tamaki; aunts and uncles, Brenda, Shelley,Graham (Tracy), Doug (Sharon), Barry (Janice), Greg, Haely (Juhan); in-laws, April(Rob), Murray (Ruth); sisters-in-laws, September (Ryan), Olivia, Jamieson, and manycousins, nieces, nephews, and friends whom Danara cherished. She will be missed morethan words can convey. A celebration of Danara's life will be held on her birthday, inVancouver July 16th 2004. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made in Danara's name, tothe BC Cancer Foundation.
I went to elementary school with Danara. We lost touch after university. I try to think of her when I need to count my blessings. I wake up every morning with my kids and my husband. This should be enough.
1 comment:
Oh my Seester, I certainly don't think you're a selfish person, despite all your criticisms. I know you're not looking for reassurance, but I thought I'd tell you that when I count my blessings, you are a huge one.
J
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