tiny dancer

So, our little Molly is crazy for music, and she loves to dance. I wish I had a video I could post. She has a style all her own. Last night, after her bath I brought her downstairs to watch a little something while I made lunches. Marc was still in the kitchen washing dishes and listening to music (Pavement, I think it was). Molly made a bee-line for the kitchen, and the dance party began. Noah got in on the act, and soon the kitchen was more like a mosh pit. No one got hurt, but no one seemed very sleepy after that.

Molly's favourite TV show is a new program on CBC Kids called Bo on the Go. It's sort of like Dora, but the kids are invited to move and boogie. It's pretty cute to watch. The dialogue is not fantastic. The main character is always saying things like "bo-tastic" and "wait a bo-beat".

noah-ism

Here is how the conversation went as I remember it:

Noah: when you grow another baby, it will be adopted.

Me: huh?

Marc: what does adopted mean Noah?

Noah: Having 2 Moms and 2 Dads. Me and Daddy would be the Dads, and Molly and Mommy would be the Moms.

lists

In the spirit of Sei Shōnagon's Pillow Book (and Ruth Ozeki's My Year of Meats), here is a list entitled:

Things that give a feeling of well-being and accomplishment:

Knowing how to get to work using public transit even if you don't have to.

Knowing for a certainty that you are not pregnant.

Knowing for a certainty that you are.

a day off part 2

So, Noah got his day off last week. Molly was sick, so I decided we would all stay home. Guess what the little dickens said mid-morning?

"I wish I was going to Shar's (daycare) today"

There's just no pleasing some people :)

maybe not

There may not be room for one more after all.

I'm not sure if I can provide for more than 2 children, and I don't just mean financially, although that is a part of it. I am finding it difficult to be patient with 2. I raise my voice more than I would like.

I would like to be able to go to Noah's soccer games and actually watch them instead of chasing a toddler. I want to really enjoy Molly and Noah's ages and stages.

I know that a parent's capacity to love grows with each child, but when I think of the reality of three, I think of dividing my attention.

So, that's how I feel today.

Of course, if I were to discover I was pregnant tomorrow, I would be overjoyed.

a day off

My heart broke again this morning. Noah begged me to please please please let him take a day off.

Take a day off? You'd think we were sending him to work in the mines, not to school and daycare.

Take a day off? The phrase does not belong in a 4-year-old's vocabulary.

I am so terribly sad for my Noah.

either and both

I love watching my kids play together when they are getting along. One Sunday at Grandma's, Noah was revving a fire-engine up and down the hall. Molly picked up an ambulance and followed. When I told Noah that Molly was copying him, he got the hugest smile on his face and continued the game for a good 15 minutes.

Of course when they're not getting along, I don't get to enjoy either of them.

Noah only bathes every second night, and Molly gets a bath every evening. I really look forward to this time alone with my little girl. When they are both in the tub, Noah does all of the talking and gets most of my attention. When I have Molly alone, I can play with her and give her a nice massage afterwards. I get to marvel at her beautiful baby skin instead of drying and dressing her as quickly as possible.

victim

My blog has become a victim to facebook. I'm addicted. I'm also a little paranoid. Do I have less friends than anyone else? It's kind of like high school that way . . . tee hee.

I took the bus for the first time in a month this morning. It's too cold and wet for Marc to take the kids to school and daycare in the bike-trailer. I had time to write a few things. I think it's pretty sappy, but there it is . .

Noah is my heart. There's no other way to describe it. His joys and pains live in my heart.

Molly is my sunshine. She delights in her world, and she shows it. She gives big hugs, big smiles and screams for joy.

They are so different these children of mine. Their skin, their eyes, their hair. how wondrous and marvelous.

signs of spring

Spring has finally arrived in Winnipeg. How do I know? I had my first sighting of a woman wearing a parka and sandals! tee hee. It made my day.

i'm turning into my mother?

So, we all say it ladies: I'm never going to be like my Mom.

And, then inevitably it happens, and for me at least, it turns out not to be such a bad thing.

But, I must say some things are a little weird. . .

Ways that I am turning into my mother:

1. We have the same hair cut. (mine has yet to turn completely grey)

2. I think my hair cut makes me look like a man (well, OK, I say butch . . . and that's not really a word my Mom uses!!)

3. Like my Mom, I have started wearing dangly earrings to counteract the mannish hair.

4. We got the exact same pair of fleece PJs for Christmas, and were both delighted.

5. I have become addicted to Greek Salad, although mine is a Greek/pasta salad and hers is just lettuce.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, and my lunch hour is over, so I'll end this here. It's just something I think about. Perhaps I'll add more later.

a nice email

from Marc about the kids' day:

Good pick up, so nice to see noah happy and vibrant

He and tuva got married 'not just in play time but in real life', they're going to wait a few years before they have kids

He wore his hat and mask to shar's and all the kids loved it. They were all outside so I was able to drop him off on shar's front yard while she brought them all in for lunch. Molly was happy and walking around outside, but I think she wanted a longer visit from me. She cried when I left.

things I like

With a view to creating some kind of home business, I am listing things I like or like to do:

shopping: I like shopping. I really do. I'm a little embarrassed to admit it. Not sure exactly why, something about being materialistic possibly? Anyhow, what I like best is bargain hunting.

baking: I like to bake though I'm not really the best at it. Given some time and some recipes, I think I could get good at it.

books: pretty evident from my career choices so far: library, bookstore, editor. . . I especially love children's books and have always loved them even before I had kids. I think of this love of children's literature as a common link between all my siblings. My Mom made sure there were lots of good books around and took us to the library regularly.

home-made things: I'm not a sewer, a knitter, a quilter, but I appreciate these things. I'm going to learn.

music: I haven't played my guitar in a long long time.

So, it looks like I should run a cafe-bookstore where I can play guitar for the customers. hmmm.

edited to add: my hubbie and kids are not on this list because I thought that went without saying. I'm adding this in case anyone (Marc!) thinks it's not.

I pretended . . .

I was a stay-at-home Mom today. It felt good.

I took the day off to take Molly to the doctor and because the kids' daycare is closed for Spring Break.

So, the kids and I played here in the morning. Molly had a short nap - which is very rare these days. Then we got our Spring jackets on and headed out to the doctor's office. Molly is doing great. 21.5 pounds. Apparently she's tall and thin for her age, although looking at her arms and thighs and belly, she's really pleasantly plump.

After Molly's appointment, we dropped in on Marc at work. Noah drew some pictures with highlighters. Then we drove home by way of the Tim Horton's drive through. mmmmm coffee!

After lunch, we watched Baby Shakespeare, then Molly went down for a nap. She's still napping . . . 2 hours later. During this nice long nap, Noah and I made Rice Crispy squares. Now Noah is painting at his easel. I'm well . . .typing.

What a great day.

updates

I think about things to blog all the time, but never seem to get a chance to do more than read (not reply to!) my email these days . Quick updates:

After months of teasing us with little steps and perfect balance, Molly has finally decided to walk. She is very pleased with herself. I think she was waiting until we had a birthday party for her, which we did on February 16th. We waited a couple of weeks since my Mom was coming to visit. It was a small party, just my Mom and Marc's parents and Marc and Noah and I of course. Molly loved her cake, and really seemed to enjoy the strawberries. She's had strawberries a few more times since and has broken out in a rash, so I think she may have an allergy. We'll wait a month or two before trying them again. (she really gobbles them down!)

Noah is showing some interest in learning how to read. He has started some preliminary sounding out. I sometimes think he hasn't learned yet because he thinks we won't read to him anymore once he does. He's not a fan of playing by himself. Noah loves playing Trouble these days. He loves popping the bubble to roll the dice and moving his little pegs around the board. It should be interesting the first time he plays with a friend instead of an adult. Heaven forbid the friend wants to be green (Noah's favourite colour)!

Marc and I are exhausted. Working and parenting full time is wearing us down. Our household runs so much more smoothly with me at home.

superhero names

I'm sure most 4-year-olds have their own superhero names, but Noah has given us all alter-egos. Here they are:

Noah is Captain Noah Boy
Molly is Little Star
Marc is Super Daddy
I am 2-Star Lightning (those happened to be the the stickers I was wearing at the time.

there is no white picket fence

This is my mantra these days. I read it in a Chatelaine article, and it just really seems to fit. The white picket fence is that ideal world where I would get to stay home with the kids. It remains a goal. It's not possible at the moment, but I still want it. Because that's the way it is, it is also helpful to remember that the white picket fence world is not a panacea. Being a stay-at-home Mom is hard work, especially with more than one child.

Weeks 2 and 3 at work have been hard. Week 2 was especially weird. I was convinced that my boss and co-workers didn't want me back. I have a feeling I was projecting.

Here's what I need to do:

I need to commit to being at work for 6 months. I should renew relationships with my co-workers. I should take advantage of the opportunities available to me because I have to be there. I have an entire hour for lunch. These past 3 weeks, I have spent most of it wandering aimlessly through the bookstore or reading magazines. I am going to join the gym at work and work out at noon. I think some exercise will improve my outlook and hopefully melt some of that Christmas weight!

Since I don't seem to find the time to blog a whole lot, and I think some memories and thoughts are being lost, I should take a break from the Sudoku puzzles and journal on my bus rides every now and then.

I should take a look at what I want to be when the kids are a little older. I mean, the most important thing to me is being a Mom, and everything else should take a backseat, but there should be other stuff too. When I take time for me, I don't want it to always be about physical stuff (getting a haircut, working out). I need to take some time for creative and spiritual pursuits.

funny Noah moment

Another one for the baby book:

Noah was saying grace before supper and making silly noises while doing it. I don't like to encourage that particular kind of silliness, so I finished grace for him. Noah's response: Mommy, that was MY line!". I have had him pegged for an actor for a long time. This confirms my suspicions.

the first week

Well, I've been back to work for a week now. Our little household seems to be doing OK. The first day was pretty hard. I think I looked like a deer caught in the headlights all day. I nodded and smiled a lot. It was pretty surreal. People would tell me things about work, and I would think, "is this supposed to matter to me now?".

The rest of the week was a little easier, and my brain seemed to kick in and remember how to process all that information. I could carry on conversations at normal speed. I didn't feel like I was walking through water, sluggish and slow. I couldn't help but notice that my replacement worked more overtime than I ever will. Perhaps I'm being a little paranoid, but I'm wondering if they really want me back. To be fair of course, I don't really want to be back . . .

I am feeling like a bit of an outsider. I go for lunch alone, and that's what I've always done, but I think after a year of constant company, I am feeling that more. It's a lonely way to spend the day.

I am also not actually back at my desk. For the time being, my replacement is occupying that space so she can retrain me to do my job and finish the work she started for this academic term. I have to refrain from plastering the space with Noah's artwork and pictures of Marc and the kids. It's unsettling. And maybe that's a good thing. Earlier in this blog, I had resolved to try and find a way to stay home after 6 months of work. If I get too comfortable, I may not leave.

The kids are doing well at daycare. Noah has made a good friend in a 5 year old boy (the grandson of the daycare lady - Shar). Molly is eating and sleeping well there, and enjoying playing with all the kids. Shar sends me little notes home about what the kids did and how they're settling in.

Marc is doing all the dropping off and picking up. I think this is what's keeping me sane. I say goodbye to the kids at home, and go catch the bus. Marc is going to start working at home in the mornings so that he doesn't have to drive as much. I like that he gets to see the kids during the day. Marc is also getting to know other parents from Noah's class. These were the kind of connections I didn't want to lose going back to work. I've been driving myself crazy thinking about how to make my own schedule more flexible and family friendly. Now I realize it's Marc's turn . . . for now.

celebrations

Yesterday was the last day of my maternity leave (today and Sunday don't count as I don't work weekends). coincidentally, it was also Marc's birthday. now, usually we are all tired of celebrations by the time his birthday comes along (Marc and i are both introverts, so holiday gatherings while delightful are also quite draining), and most of us have a cold we caught over the holidays. So, we don't usually do too much more celebrating for Marc's birthday. This year, however, we returned from our travels on New Years Eve, and were relatively healthy and well rested by the fifth. So, the kids and I spent yesterday preparing a little party.

Noah, Molly and I went shopping for Daddy's present at Zellers in the morning. The kids both sat in the cart, so there were no tantrums about the toy aisle, and the kids entertained each other. Noah was feeding Molly Cheerios. It was super cute. I even picked up a few things that were not on the list while they weren't looking. (Generally, disaster ensues if we don't stick to our original - short - plan.) Noah picked out some Lego that he and Marc could build together. (Of course he wanted to take it out of the package before Marc got home, but that's another story.)

Molly napped in the early afternoon, so Noah and I played Larry Boy games. When she woke up, we headed outside for some fun in the snow. We even went for a short walk with both kids in the sled.

When we came back in, it was time to start making the birthday dinner:salsa chicken, oven fries and salad. (Noah is not a fan of too many veggies - except animated ones that tell Bible stories - but he likes Romaine lettuce.) When faced with the choice of berry-short-birthday-cake and whipped cream or birthday chocolate pudding, Noah picked pudding. While everything was cooking, we decorated for the party. I blew up a dozen balloons, and spread the Sesame Street tablecloth. We had planned to hang the balloons, but ran out of time. (I decided to change a poopy baby instead.) The balloons stayed on the table, and we nestled our plates among them.

When Marc came home, he was greeted by Noah, party hats in hand. He opened his presents, and he and Noah got to work on the Lego while I finished the salad. We had a lovely dinner, and then spent a few minutes playing together in the living room before it was time for tubbies and bed.

It was just the four of us. We didn't invite anyone else, and it was a lovely way to end my maternity leave.

daycare visit

Well, I guess my return to work is actually happening. Noah, Molly and I visited their daycare today. It turns out that they will be attending the same home daycare as Kate is not going to be able to take Noah after all. She's finding the transition to 3 kids a lot more stressful than she thought it would be, and then you throw in some PPD, and it's not good. She says she's grateful that I am being so understanding. I suppose I am, but letting Kate take care of herself and her family is also the better thing for Noah as well. You know?

Having both kids at Shar's daycare means that Marc will be dropping them off and picking them up. It's been a little dream of mine to take the bus to work in the mornings . . .getting a chance to read a book and drink a coffee. We'll see how that dream works out after a few weeks in a bus full of University students! I think that Molly may have an easier time if Marc drops her off than if I were to do it. I hope that's the case.

Back to the actual visit:

I think Molly will be just fine. She was smiling and talking to Shar, and letting her hold her for music circle. Of course, part of me is very happy about this. The other part of me was just about in tears seeing someone else hold my baby, and knowing she will get to hold my baby while I am at work.

Noah, I am not so sure. I'm not sure their personalities are a good fit. Here is an example: Noah was writing his name on her white board. He was taking his time, deciding on the colours and where to put his name. For some reason, he was having some trouble. He can usually write his name in the blink of an eye. At some point, Shar broke in and took his hand to show him how to do it properly. He was not pleased. Noah does not like to be taught how to do things unless he asks for help. My hope is that as she gets to know him, she will be able to relate to him a little better. My fear is that because she will expect Noah to conform to the way things are done there without making any concessions to his personality. I know that he will have to learn her rules. I have no problem with that. I just think things will go better if she listens to what he has to say. Perhaps I'm just being too sensitive and over thinking this. I just read Raising Your Spirited Child and a lot of it seemed to fit Noah. Knowing that perhaps he needs a little more help or a little more adjustment time than a lot of kids makes me nervous.